God’s Cruelest Joke

Does god exist?

Ask a man en route to baldness and he'll strike you for insolence. Why, the bald man will ask, would a benevolent being take a man in his prime and turn him into the a human punch line? But is losing your rug really the end of the world? We asked Jake Paterson, bald as an eagle and wiser than an owl, for advice.

STAB: Tell me about your wig prior to baldness?
SNAKE: I had a gollywog mop of beautiful tight brown curls with sun-bleached tips. It's hard to believe now but I once had trouble running my fingers or a brush through it.
STAB: Did you ever anticipate losing your rug?
SNAKE: Nah, I don't think any confident young bloke can anticipate it. I started to thin when I was pretty young, around 23,1 think.
STAB: What are the initial signs? A brush swathed in hair? A clogged shower hole?
SNAKE: For me, it happened slowly. It started on my crown and gradually my hair became less dense up there. I remember the moment of realisation. I was in Brazil for the ISA World Titles and we all dyed our hair black - which by the way is a really great way to highlight your devon - and suddenly it was blatantly obvious that I was losing it.
STAB: Did you deny it?
SNAKE: Yeah, I tried to. I struggled with it for a couple of years. I was always wearing hats and beanies. The worst thing was doing Quiksilver ad shoots. They really freaked me out, I was so conscious of it.
STAB: How did your friends react? With joy? Or sympathy?
SNAKE: Anyone with a scalp of thick hair thinks it's fucking hilarious. Nathan Webster was my biggest critic. We always traveled together so he was always pointing it out to me. He'd be like, "Shit, Snake, it's looking low-tide up there, brother."
STAB: Would you describe him as a cunt of a man?
SNAKE: Yeah, but it's good to have honest mates in that situation. You don't wanna be kicking around living some hair fantasy if you're sporting some terrible Friar Tuck do. Nudes is quite a bit taller than me so he was always looking at the top of my head like an eagle with a huge beak. He'd examine it and give me feedback.
STAB: From whom did you inherit this unfortunate genetic sequence? SNAKE: I'm not sure. My old boy is pretty smooth upstairs but they say you get it from your mum's side. Mum's brother is bald as an egg but you know what, it doesn't really matter. If you get it, you get it. It's not like you're gonna look at your family tree and start pointing fingers, like, Fuck you for being bald, you bastards! You have to play with the cards you've been dealt.
STAB: Did you take any steps to slow down the loss?
SNAKE: Nah, I don't think that shit works. The smartest move I ever made as a balding young man was losing the wig all together.
STAB: Is it true that when your hair goes up top it runs wild elsewhere?
SNAKE: Maybe. I've got a hairy chest and bum.
STAB: Do you moisturise the dome?
SNAKE: I don't, but I always put sunscreen up there. There's nothing quite as ugly as a burned scalp when it starts to flake off. You end up looking like Woogie from Something Abouf Mary. "Ever had a white head on your eyeball, Mary?"
STAB: Okay, time to get tough on the pretenders. On the tour, tell me, who's doomed?
SNAKE: Fred Patacchia is in serious trouble and I noticed the other day Daz O'Rafferty's situation is dire. Hmmm... who else? Um... Oh, Hog! Hog is gone and I think it's time he faced the fact. Clouse [Jarrad Howse] is here saying Timmy Reyes is losing his rug but I'm not'sure.
STAB: Are there more?
SNAKE: I'd love to say Tommy Whits is going but I think he's just got big solar panels at the front, as does Clouse and Taj but I think they're all safe.
STAB: Who is your bald hero?
SNAKE: Without question, Simon Law. He was the first pro surfer to go bald and shave his head to the bone. He pulled it off with style, making it cool for the rest of to follow suit. He was an innovator.
STAB: You're the perfect example that there is life after hair. What do you have to say to all the sufferers out there?
SNAKE: You're not alone. Forty per cent of the male population is bald or balding. It's not the end, my brothers. The sooner you get over it the sooner life will roll on and you'll realise life is not much different without hair. Plus, the more you worry about it the quicker it disappears. Get the clippers onto it and get on with your life.
STAB: What advice can you give to a man who's seeing his buddy go through the balding process?
SNAKE: Try and be a little sensitive. It's a really hard thing to deal with and the last thing you need is your mates giving you hell.
STAB: Finally, are bald men better lovers?
SNAKE: I don't know, stupid. I've never been with a bald man.
STAB: But you have been with a man, is that what you're saying?
SNAKE: You're an idiot.
STAB: What would you give up to once again have a full head of hair? A Pipe Masters title, perhaps?
SNAKE: Five years ago, when I was first thinning, I probably would have given up my Pipe Masters title but now that I'm cool with it I wouldn't even give up one of my WQS victories.

ARE YOU GOING BALD?

STAB'S BRUTAL GUIDE TO AN HONEST SELF-DIAGNOSIS...

BEWARE THE FUZZ
Prior to depature, hair'll take on a weird peach fuzz appearance ala Nathan Hedge and the Hobgood bros. You know it; we know it. Time to take action, bald boy.
"IT'S A WIDOW'S PEAK"
Fuck you for claiming it's your hairline. Your little soliders are marching behind enemy lines and there's nothing you, your doc your chemist can do. Shoot or nuke with clippers.
DYE YOUR HAIR BLACK
like Snake says, it'll show the extent of the thinning.
FIND A HIGH-TIDE MARK
Somehwere on your head where a mole or other distinguishing feature. Take note of its position relative to your hairline and you'll quickly discover if the tide is being drained by some unseen lunar force.
FORGET THE TESTOSTERONE FAIRYTALE
Bald fuckers haven't got an excess of the male sex hormone. When a lack of hair, ugly man.

Stab Magazine