The five-minute guide to drug testing
It's a joke, right? Surfers being asked to submit to drug tests? Like, It matters if some cat is wired to high heaven on cocaine or riddled with steroids so his rig looks good on the beach or he enjoys the paranoid hit of weed now and then? What sort of world are we living in when pervy ; administrative dudes hunt other men? These freaks that are paid to watch a stream of \ urine fly into a plastic bottle? Man, this isn't ! athletics. Surfing still be cool. This isn't about j hurling spears, heavy balls or running in 1 circles. Surfing isn't a homoerotic 2000-year-old Greek tradition. It comes from the wild i and hedonistic Polynesian. So, why are pro 1 surfers being forced into drug tests? Read on, angry young social revolutionary.
1. Why are tests made on surfers?
First of all, don't blame the ASP - pro surfing's eternal whipping boy. The drug tests come straight from the governments of various countries. This year it was France, who've been squeezing piss out of pro surfers since 1997. Until this year, however, recreational drugs weren't on the menu, just steroids. On the final day of the Quiksilver Pro in Hossegor, 2004, up rolled the Drug Squad, specifically the spectacularly named conseil du prevention et des piratage du dopage. The doctor fronted contest director Rod Brooks and told him he wanted to test four random heats. The ASP had the choice to test the winners or the losers of the four heats. The ASP chose the losers: Taj Burrow, Joel Parkinson, Neco Padaratz and Peterson Rosa.
2. How do you make the test?
Piss in a bottle. Everything comes out in the urine, even that shithouse joint you had a toke off at that party three months back. Strictly speaking, the doc's supposed to watch the stream of urine go into the bottle. Not here. Some did it in the privacy of the porta-toilet; others filled their tank in the competitors' tent.
3. What happens if the piss comes back positive?
The ASP board (made up of a surfers' rep, an event rep and three independents - all voted for at the annual general meeting) will give you a warning, a fine or a suspension, depending on what's found. At a guess, you'd say they'd go easy on a bit of weed or coke but would get nasty on any steroidal cunts. The government body, meanwhile, can ban you from entering the country.
4. How the drug testers can be foiled
Shoot the doc in the head and run to the hills, stay clean or find yourself a corrupt doctor. They're out there. The Olympics is rife with drug users. How many actually get caught?
5. Any surfers been caught?
Not yet. The tests take a few months to come through and the ASP won't be notified unless there's a positive result. In a frightening precedent, the ASP has been warned there could be drug tests in Brazil and Australia as well as France in 2005. The consequences of a positive result? "One puff can ruin a career", says ASP's WCT Tour Manager, Renato Hickel. "Some surfers are on million dollar contracts. If they test positive, how will their sponsors react? How can they promote 'em to kids?"
