It was the most anticipated magazine in pro surfing - Derek Hynd's top 44 review in Surfer. Written in a sharp, staccato style, Hynd picked over the bones of the elite surfers and spat out a report that was sometimes cruel, sometimes savage but always entertaining and informative. The heat in this particular kitchen, however, was too much to bear for poor Mr Hynd. Gheyne Horan, in one instance, chased and attacked the writer at J-Bay. Martin Potter was driven to his 1989 crown after DH had condemned the surfer as a "no chance". Does DH have any regrets about this scathing words? "Never regret a thing," says DH. "Writing stories is like going out with a girl. You can't regret anything. It's just a part of life."
DH was followed by Tim Baker (who adopted a krishna-esque feel-good approach and offended no one) who was followed by former top 44 star, Pat O'Connell. On being told Jake is reviewing his peers, Pat guffaws: "I can't imagine you guys censoring too much. Jake watches. He takes notice. I bet you gave him a glass of red and he did a damn good job."
Surfer editor Chris Mauro who's handed the role over to the reader ("It's desk jockeys making our calls") believes Jake is perfect for feeding the commentary. "Jake's great, no one can complain. He knows everyone's weakness because he goes out there and slaughters em. Jake tells it like it is." So as you can tell, this year we decided to rip off the idea and restore it to its former fury. And who better to dissect the elite than Pipe and Sunset Master Jake Paterson? Ten years on tour and with the sort of analytical mind a scientist would kill for. Jake isn't flippant. He says what he means and means what he says. A man's man whose word is gold Read em and weep, boys.
1. Kelly Slater
Lives: Cocoa Beach, Florida, USA
Born: February 11,1972
Highest rating: 1 (1992, '94-'98,2005)
Career wins: 27 (WOT)
Jake's verdict: I hope Kelly's back this year. If he doesn't do well at the start, he'll go, I just won tHe world title, I've got nothing more to prove, and give it the boot. You think about it though, it's going to be difficult for him to leave: He's on the Goldie, it's a Quikkie event, he has to do that; Bells 'is right there so he's gonna do that; he loves Teahupoo and Fiji, and what, he's the best surfer at J Bay by a million miles so he's gonna do that and then Mexico, which is his second home anyway? If he's not winning by then, or at least in the race, he's gonna wrap it. If he hangs around, he and Andy will have another epic battle for the title. No one else will be in the race. No one can touch them. There are guys who challenge Kelly and Andy at certain breaks but AI and Kelly are one or two of the top five at every single break on tour. You go to J-Bay and Parko throws himself in the ring as one of the top four or five guys and there are guys who sway in and out at various breaks but Kelly and Andy are in the quarter-finals and semifinals every single contest. How do you beat that?
2. Andy Irons
Lives: Kauai, Hawaii
'Born: July 24, i978
Highest rating: 1 (2002, '03 & '04)
Career wins: 16 (WOT)
Jake's verdict: For their own sake, the entire tour needs to man up and work together against Kelly and Andy. Look at almost any event, if you beat one of those guys you go on to win the event. You have a look how many they've won! They either won every contest or whoever beat them won! It's fucken gnarly! Both these guys' focus is huge. We all hate
losing but they have a hate we don't even know about. It's disgusting. Some of the antics Andy pulls after losing is way over the top because, basically, he wins everything. In our surfing game, you can't win everything because you're dealing with the unpredictability of the ocean. If the tour was in a wave pool and everyone got the same wave, he and Kelly would win every event. Thankfully, the ocean gives us paupers a little go.
3. Mick Fanning
Lives: Tweed Heads, Australia
Born: June 13,1981
Highest rating: 3 (2005)
Career wins: 4 (W.C.T)
Jake's verdict: As long as Kelly and Andy are on tour Mick is never gonna get better than a third. He had every opportunity last year at taking the title and he didn't even come close. He won the first event, he drew Andy at Bells and had his chance to beat him. He should've beaten him and it could've been a different story. Mick's as well-rounded as the best and I'd love to see the world title go to someone else rather than those two clowns fighting it out for it.
4. Damien Hobgood
Lives: Satellite Beach, Florida, USA
Born: July 6,1979
Highest rating: 4 (2005)
Career wins: 2 (WCT)
Jake's verdict: Damien wants to prove to CJ that he can beat him and 2005 was the first year Damo's beaten him in the ratings. I think he's lucky TB was injured and was able to win Brazil. But they're like any brothers: they'll lend each other boards and are stoked for one another when they do well. But, deep down, you know the desire to win's there.
5. Phil MacDonald
Lives: Cronulla, NSW, Australia
Born: March 4, 1979
Highest rating: 5 (2005)
Career wins: 0 (WCT)
Jake's verdict: Phil might be the biggest mouth on tour but I don't think he's got the ability to win a world title. In saying that, that'll probably prime him to go out and win one. I hope he does but first he's got to stop thinking he can smash the lower guys easily. He lost to Victor Ribas three times last year that cost him a couple of spots. Everyone's got a nemesis on tour and Vic was his. Phil thrives on hard heats and his winning average against the top guys is better than anyone's. He'll be top 10 for sure because he's got that I-don't-care attitude. You hear a lot about his final at Trestles and how Phil got robbed and should've beaten Kelly. I videoed the final and I watched it back and thought Phil got overscored on one wave and the scale got whacked out somewhere along the line. It was close. But that's sport. That's live sport. There's no line decision. This is what you need, fhis is what you got. There's no going back. You win and lose contests and you win and lose heats and this is the way it is. The drama of the whole thing was that Phil had been in four finals and had never won one.
6. Trent Munro
Lives: Scotts Head, NSW, Australia
Born: November 30,1978
Highest rating: 6 (2005)
Career wins: 2(WCT)
Jake's verdict: Trent had a good year. He had a good start. He always had the ability to do well. He's that kind of guy, he's like Phil Maca, he likes giving it to the big guys. His backhand's amazing and the moment that Bells was moved to Phillip Island and we saw those little lefts, we knew no one could get near him. He's a cocky c-t. He just goes, Fuck it! I don't care who you are! And then smashes them.
