The Stab Round Table Discussion

With US presidential politics on the menu, our sport’s finest convene…
By Charlie Smith

Okay, okay, what’s going to be the best part about 2008? The Roxy Pro at Sunset Beach? Surfer Magazine’s 36th Annual Surfer Poll Awards? No way! The ‘08 U.S. Presidential election is going to be, my sweet! The tension is a hot aphrodisiac. But seriously, who is going to win? Let’s ask the most politically savvy people on earth!
Following the groundbreaking tradition of Surfing Magazine, I decided to host a roundtable discussion. Surfing just loves how formal and traditional the roundtable format appears. Get it? Surfers acting like 60 year-old businessmen? What’s not to love!
Invited were, Jordy Smith, Jihad Khoder, Nathan Webster, Jon Jon Florence and uninvited, but showing up anyhow, was Kelly Slater. We met at the Nixon Presidential Library in Simi Valley California on a cool April morning.

Me: Well everyone thanks for coming. We all have a lot to work through today, so Jihad, I’m going to throw it over to you. This election will be important for Jihad worldwide.
Jihad: Obrigado y viva Brasil. I agree. I think Jihad has been getting a raw deal. All Jihad wants to do is mutilate the white man. Especially…
Kelly: I totally agree, Jihad! I think Barack is the best candidate ever! I was at this concert with Eddie… you guys know Eddie Vedder right? Anyhow, Eddie was telling me…

Me: Andy, who will you be voting for this coming November?
Andy: Who ever Bruce isn’t voting for. My brother and I haven’t had a good fight since… I can’t even remember when. Fuck. We need to kick each other’s asses soon.

Me: Sorry to interrupt Kelly, we’ll get to you…
Jordy: I think Jihad is on to something. Being from South Africa I’ve seen the damage that whites can do. I loved apartheid and I don’t know why the whites in my country gave it up… bad decision bru. Now my country is crappy. My president is named Thabo Mbeki, for pity’s sake. What kind of name is that?
Jon Jon: The markets are killing me too, man. Eating right into my bottom line. You guys can talk all the race stuff you want, but for me, it’s the economy. I put my O’Neill earnings into semiconductor stocks when I was three years old. My broker told me they were can’t miss and Wall Street was super bullish, then the bottom fell out. I’ve lost 40%, but at least I’m getting a tax-loss out of the deal. I’m voting Hillary… I mean, my mom is.
Kelly: That’s interesting Jon Jon. I was talking with Cameron Diaz about Hillary and… do you guys know Cammie? And…
Me: Umm Kelly, if you wouldn’t mind we’ll open the table to you in a minute.
Jihad: Jihad is being misunderstood! When was the last time a brownie won an ASP Tour title? Jihad would fix that…
Jordy: No offence, but Jihad is gonna get crushed! John McCain is a 165-year-old war hero and I think he knows a little something about beating on brown, yellow, red… coloured men. Can you say Vietnam? He said that troops are gonna be in Iraq for 100 years. Sounds like apartheid part deux to me!
Jon Jon: I had luncheon with Hillary’s economic advisor, Gene Sperling, the other day and he was telling me that while Hillary is preaching a plan that would benefit the middle class it’ll really be a trickle-down model based on Reagan. Anyone who has been alive for more that 10 years should recognise the benefit of putting wealth into the hands of the rich…
Kelly: That’s really funny you say that Jon Jon. I was just at Lance Armstrong’s house… does anyone know Lance? And…
Me: Kelly. Please.
Andy Irons: Sticking his head in. I thought I heard Kelly in here name-dropping…
Me: What you doing here AI?
Andy: Oh, just checking out the Pat Nixon Inaugural Gala dress display.
Me: Andy, who will you be voting for this coming November?
Andy: Who ever Bruce isn’t voting for. My brother and I haven’t had a good fight since… I can’t even remember when. Fuck. We need to kick each other’s asses soon.
Surfing Magazine editorial staff: Breaking down the door with a giant model of the Watergate Hotel. We knew a surf magazine was conducting an unauthorised roundtable discussion somewhere! We at Surfing Magazine invented this format as it is currently used in the surf world. We’ve used it with girl surfers, top surfers, young surfers, Australian surfers, old surfers, shapers, average surfers and a who’s who of surfer greats. You better damn well believe that you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for “shit idea infringement.”

Stab Magazine