This is a little weird, so stick with us while we explain-we swear its worth your time. In Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)'s brilliant new non-fiction book Stranger Than Fiction, he interviews the actor Juliet Lewis. You've heard of her, of course: she's the goofy dark-haired mama in Starsky and Hutch and Natural Bom Killers. So Chuck goes round to her crib, hangs out, they both talk a whole lot of shit, and she tells him she has this list of questions she once compiled to get to know a boy better. The litany of proping questions is fucking awesome. JL asks about the guy's dick, about cats, asparagus, knifings, Christ, rollercoaters - all the gear a hack interviewer would never think or dare to ask. So we figured: let's throw these questions at a couple of suffers we know'd appreciate a game of mental gymnastics. This is what we retrieved.
Ozzie Wright
Interviewed: Wednesday, November 10, 2004,
in seats 43H and 43J of Qantas flight 11 bound for Los Angeles. Oz is mystified and constantly staring at last issue's cartoon with Jack Johnson where he's sketched by Ben Brown as the Goons' frontman. "I'm so fucken stoked to be drawn by Ben Brown," says Oz, who now talks about touring and recording and music as much as surfing. "Can you believe Ben used to be the lead singer of the Hellmen? Or was it the Hard Ons? Doesn't matter, I love him." He asks about Juliet Lewis and why she can't ask him the questions and how he'd prefer to write his answers himself. We tell him that way he'll be seen as he's want to be seen rather natural self. He agrees, opens a pack of peanuts, sips on gin and tonic and answers the questions over the roar of the engine at 40,000 feet.;"'
Did you ever stab someone or cut them intentionally with a sharp object? Yeah, I've cut myself. Last year we were going to a dress up party and I wanted to be Sid Vicious so I enscribed Nancy into my chest. The pain was fine. No pain, no gain. Plus, when I looked at the photos I looked like a tough nut.
Do you like asparagus? Spargle? Yes. That's what they call it in Switzerland. Every time I go to there it's in season and every meal I have at my girlfriend Dargie's parents, it's spargle.
Do you have a middle name? Billy. I only found out about the Pippen part when I was about 15. It was on my birth certificate but not actually on my passport.
Do cats frustrate you as pets? Or do you admire their independence?
Yeah, pretty much, anything that requires looking frustrates me but I do admire their independence. I admire their athleticism even though they're pretty lazy. I like them when they spring up, they go boom. Good reflexes.
Did you ever break a guy's nose? Would you say you've won more fights than you've lost? No, never broken a guy's nose and I've never won a fight. I've probably had 10 fights and I wouldn't say I've ever won one. I've never really punched anyone, I just get punched and the fight's usually over. I'm not into, I just try to get out of there, I don't wanna kill anyone.
Was there a time when you were mystified by the workings of your penis? There are times, there are often times.
David Rastovich
Interviewed: Thursday, November 11, 2004,
As the interviewee drives along a road cut through the dense foliage of the North Coast en route to a photo shoot with Scott Needham. Dave laughs, nods in appreciation and is both thoughtful and flippant in his replies.
Do you look more like your mother or father? Neither. And I've never seen my birth certificate. My dad always claims that he just kind of found me. It's weird. It used to trip me out when I was a kid. I used to cry a lot because I thought he was telling the truth.
Did you date an older woman that you'd consider an older woman and what did she teach you? Well, I'm getting married to an older woman but I wouldn't consider her an older woman. She's five or six years older than me and she's still teaching me pretty much everything. She's taught me how to be a better wombat. How to have a free and easy kind of life.
What's the first image you have the female body? Curves.
Does the respect factor drop when a woman has breast implants? Not the respect factor, more the sympathy factor. I definitely have sympathy for woman who feel they're so ugly that they have to get things stuck in their chests.
Do you like roller coasters? No. They kinda hurt. Every time I've ridden one I've come off hurting.
What do you imagine happens to someone after the body dies? And do you believe that you are a spirit with a body or just a brain? I believe that when you die it's like a kind of space and there's a choice between whether to come back to the physical realm or to drift around for a while. Eastern religions and native American people believe you hang around for four days symbolising the four directions: north, south, east and west and then you move on. Obviously, it's questionable because I can't remember dying yet. I guess it's a moment when your soul or your intelligence decides whether or not it's useful coming back or useful to just, I guess, dwell! in the ethereal realm. All the experiences I've had, where I've gone beyond my body and beyond my brain and been pointing at a momentary awareness. You're dwelling in the moment, not in the past or in the future.
Shane Dorian
Interviewed: Wednesday, December 8, 2004
as the interviewee stands loud and proud in front of the scene of some his greatest triumphs - Off the Wall. The surf is around six foot, brushed clean by trade winds and he stands with his shaper, Johnny-Boy Carper: Mr Dorian is waiting for a stretch Hummer to arrive to squire him and JC to a shop promo and is wearing a voluminous white t-shirt, tight pants and a reversed trucker.
How do you explain Mozart writing symphonies at seven? I can't, my friend.
Did the female anatomy ever mystify and scare you? Yes, very much so. Both. I was terrified as a kid. All the things we love about 'em now scared me then. The big boobs, the emotional mood swings... all scary stuff.
Have you ever been caught in a natural disaster? A hurricane. In Hawaii, where I grew up. There was a hurricane in 1981, a really radical hurricane. There were roofs flying off, shit like that. We got lucky but my neigbours' house had a river going through it.
Did you ever own Birkenstocks? No! Hell, no!
What was your favourite expression growing up? Or was it closer to: That's so fresh, That's so bitchin, That's so wicked, That's so rad. Or, that's so hot. "Back off, jack off!" It's a good one. I still like that one, in fact.
Did you ever fall in love with an animal in a way where you wished you could talk like human friends?
Yeah, I fall in love with all the animals. Not in a creepy way, just in a I-love-animals way. But I understand the question. Animals actually only have the only unconditional love. I talk to them all the time and I'm sure they understand me.
Do you feel that we are all potentially Christ-like?
I'm becoming a lot more Christ-like! I'm becoming a good builder. He was a builder, he was like a wood worker, and that's what I'm getting into these days,
Do you have hope for humanity? And if not, how can you honestly keep going in the face of that hopelessness?
I can't believe that question would pop out of her brain! No, I don't think life is hopeless. Life is a beautiful thing. I enjoy every single day living it. Of course 1 have hope for humanity! I have beautiful friends, an amazing family and I know tons of incredible people. If anyone feels that humanity is doomed or that life is hopeless they better move to the middle east. Just get it over with. Do us all a favour.
full article in Stab issue #5
