I'm so awesome...yeah you know what? I'm gonna leave that there, thanks Stab for your insight into me!

So here it goes, this is the passage where I proceed to tear shreds of anything that gives me the shits, and you all sit there and think "maybe this guy should just get Twitter rather than fill up these quality pages with his raving nonsense". Well you know what, I actually don't know what twitter is, but i have a sneaking suspicion it is one of those social networking tools for people who feel the need to share with us what they had for dinner every night, how great an evening out they had with the girls, or how many times their stupid kid crapped themselves on the drive back from buying new uggies at the sale in Fountain Gate shopping centre. Am I right? Well fuck it I'm gonna Google it right after this.....

So what do I write in a bio? Do I rap about how anti-establishment I am? Take a leaf from all the brands you see advertised, and all the fly-boys wearing their shit and rocking the world with their greater than thou sensibility. "Yeah man, I wear op-shop clothes cos it's in bro, but their not really op-shop, I still paid $149.95 for these jeans". Yeah man, your so deep and edgy. You gotta love that line hey, brands promoting how anti-establishment or how they don't want to be mainstream and popular.....and you'll fall for it. Is all about the shit you have to have, the clothes recycled from the seventies, mingle that with the new age gadgets we are all sitting in front of day in day out. If the past is so cool, I want to see you trend setters walking around with 8 kilo mobile phones, aerial extended, on your way back to the office to wait for 23 minutes for your old apple computer to start up so you can play solitaire, while wishing there was an easier way to buy that new set of Osh Kosh overalls you saw in the pictures this morning. Select your trends wisely kiddies, and when you do know the sheep will be following your every move. MARKETING, FUCKERS!!! You market, you sell, you make profit.....you're no different, I'm no different. 

If not that, then what else can I base my bio on? How I'm at one with nature, and the waves, and all the dolphins? Here's the truth.....the environmental movement is nothing but a fashion accessory! It is in the main a lame attempt by the last of the environmentally apathetic generations to make the world survive until their own children have had the chance to own a house or whatever it is that gives meaning to their short lives. The great George Carlin said that "people aren't worried about the end of the earth, they're worried about the end of people". Cos thats it, the world isn't going to explode one day, it's the human race that's in trouble. Once we're gone, mother nature will right herself and continue off into the future, devoid of the all-conquering, all-destroying humans. So don't give me the stinkeye because i forgot to bring my green bag to Woolies. Take a hard look at how much fresh water the company uses to make that off road on road vehicle your driving off in, or even how you voted for a guy who for 10 of 11 years told you global warming was a myth. Then take the answer, multiply it by four, divide it by two and get the forks as my response.

Well it's the last straw, still have to structure this thing, so why not use the most attractive asset.....intelligence. On the rise in numbers, on the decline in quality. So some guy can re-program the internal hard drive of a computer, put him in the middle of a semi enthusiastic conversation on the state of the socio-economic make up of post-apartheid South Africa and watch him brick himself and sidle towards the door. But don't worry buddy, that conversation is most likely being run by some post-grad Social Science major, who just because she spent 4 years being taught how to think, is now somehow next in line to co-write Chomsky's next book. But who needs intelligence anyway? The current trend (growing alarmingly amongst surfers as well), is the Australian idea of "cool to be dumb". Yes friends, you know what I'm talking about, the "I drive a ute and work out 5 nights a week before getting on the piss and fighting anyone who looks different to me" type guys, or the "I'm 19 with two kids who I can't look after but that's ok because I get 500 a week from centrelink for them" type girls. And this is cool, this is spreading like wildfire across this country. Boy's, a little more time on the muscle between the ears wouldn't go astray, and girls, in the great wisdom of Bill Hicks, "a baby is no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your arse". Think about it.

Well mission accomplished, any of you who saw my photo and thought "yeah, I guess I could give the special needs kid a vote", are now well and truly turned away. It's fun to tear shreds and pay out, and look down on all the above as I have, but seriously, if any of us were true to our word and followed all these thoughts, we'd be pretty screwed. I'm talking no belongings, a head full of conflicting ideas, and best of all stark naked. So if for some reason you made it to the end of the above rant (as in your speed reading is so super fantastical that before you could stop you had finished), I guess I could sum the boy up in the following verse - 

On writing - Give me nonsense from the heart over prose from the head

On surfing - Give me 1 foot and no-one out over pumping and crowded

On music - Give me punk drums and Frenzal over whatever gay acoustic drivel is on your ipod now

On travel - give me experience and friendships over sights and photo's

On politics - give me health, education, refugees, environment over economy and security

On goodtimes - give me a beer and a gudang over an eccy and a bottle of aqua

On work - give me enjoyment and fulfillment over money and power

On life - give me new experiences and enjoyment over comfort and security