There's nothing more that I love to do than socialise.
Yes, beloved, my life on the other side of cyber space actually contains traces of human interaction.
"Preposterous!" I hear you shout.
Chill out. Just because I sit at my desk and type about inappropriate slash irrelevant topics, that does not mean I am socially impeded.
True it is that I love a chat. In fact, if chatting was a profession I'd be at the top of my game. I'd be as Bill Gates is to computers, only I'd be a little more classy (dude, if you drop $100 000 it's not even worth going back to pick it up because you make more money in the time it takes to bend down....be a little adventurous in the fashion stakes.....).
However, with all the joys of expressing myself verbally to others and cracking what I would describe as, witty, inventive and punderful jokes, I have begun to see some bumps in the road. Some cloud around the silver lining. Several hiccups. Call it what you will, there are some issues with socialising that I would like to draw your attention to.
First is what I like to call the "you're telling a bad story so we're moving on". This occurs when you're with a group of pals, telling what you believe to be an epic story about how you're Aunty Susan brought a lounge, but then it had termites in it, so she took it back, only to find that.......and on you go.
Unfortunately for you, (and your pals I suppose) this story is B-A-D. It isn't funny, it isn't interesting, it probably isn't even true... So one of the other member of the group will rudely interrupt by saying something like ‘hey look at that clown everyone!' and then another member will latch on and say ‘oh yeah, aren't clowns the best' and then a different member chirps in ‘I hear clowns give you cancer' and the subject has CLEARLY changed from your story to clowns.
I tell some bad stories, so I've been in this socially awkward sitch more than once. The problem is, you're just left dangling there in the half-finished story stratosphere. DO you finish the story? I mean you're half-way there, a job well done is a job finished. Aunty Susan deserves a finished story, but your friends obviously don't.
I mean if you really love the story, talk over the top of your rude friends. However, if in that 30 seconds of clown watching you reflect and realise ‘geez who was telling that rubbish story, these clowns are way better....oh damn that was me' then it's probably best to leave the termites in the lounge, and let the story rest (forever).
When you're on the RECEIVING end of a terrible story, sometimes rudely interrupting and changing the topic is a smart way to subtly tell your frined that their story is a rubbish. Or you can just say "that's the worst story I've ever heard" which might lose you a friend or two, but at least you don't have to listen to bad stories. Another option is to faint or fake an injury. In extreme bad story cases, faking death may be necessary.
Next is the 3 way (mind out of the gutter please) introduction scenario. You know A and B, but A doesn't know B. So you introduce A and B and you all begin chatting and such. When can you leave the 3 way convo? Are A and B now well acquainted enough for you to bail? Is it rude if you bail? If you bail will A and B awkwardly stand in awkward silence? Are you the glue between A and B or were you simply a bridge, a stepping stone of friendship?
In this circumstance, there is NO general rule. This is simply because the personalities of A and B will always differ. If you know A and B are both into chess say "oh A you pawn!!..." then B will get very excited that A knows what a pawn is and you can bail. If, on the other hand, you know that A and B will hate each other because A leaves the tail on his prawns and B rips it off, then don't bail because you will start World Prawn War II(World Prawn War I was Christmas Day at my house last year).
If you don't like A or B, then leave (and maybe tell them if you're drunk enough). If you like A and not B say "let's go to the toilet A". If A is of the opposite sex then this could be weird, but at least you're getting away from B.
Another socialising awkward moment is when you see someone you really don't want to talk to because: a) You think they're annoying b) They were your grade 5 teacher and it's just weird c) You hooked up with them last weekend or d) You haven't seen them for 3 and a half years, you have nothing in common, and their house smells like moth balls
Damn, they've spotted you. They know that you've spotted them. Shivers, you made eye contact. They know that you know (not UNO, the middle pile is yours) that it's going to be awkward and you know that they don't really want to say hey either. But you BOTH know that you will be judged if you don't stop and it's rude to just walk by. So brace yourself for the awkward convo.
"Hey ...um....Fran how are you?" "I'm good, how are er you?' "Not bad." "Oh good" "yeaahhh good good....Sooo" "yeeaaaa" <insert awkward silence> "Well better let you go then" "Cool ok well good to see you..." "You too" (lie)
Just when you think things couldn't possibly sink any lower along the stakes of awkwardness, you both go to walk away in the same direction. DO you speed up, or should they? Should you turn around? Will they turn around? Maybe you should pretend you need to buy something from this homewares store... Whatever your escape mechanism, use it fast.
I usually just choose to look them straight in the eye as you both go to walk in the same direction and say "well this is awkward!" to which they usually fake laugh and then the situation is even more uncomfortable. Always a good gag.
Another awkward thing I've noticed about socialising is when it goes silent, as in no one has anything to say. This rarely occurs when I'm around, but if it ever does it's because I'm stopping myself from saying a rubbish story (see above), a bad or inappropriate joke, or I'm too intoxicated and am putting all my energy into staying upright. When this happens, for some reason, I yawn.
It's like I'm saying "I WOULD say something but I have to yawn right now"
Actually this is a good technique because yawns are like swine flu (i.e. contagious) and so then someone else will yawn. This then leads to the conversation "theories as to why yawns are contagious" (which is when I bring up my theory that it's because your subconscious thinks the person yawning is stealing all the oxygen and so you yawn to get some too) and then the conversation will flow a little longer.
If it goes silent after this, best to find a homewares stores. If worst comes to worst, you can always tell the story about Aunty Susan's lounge.
There are millions, possibly billions, of socially awkward scenarios. These handytips are simply a guide for when you encounter such situations (I bear no responsibility for any social humiliation suffered resulting from following this advice).
So there you have it. That's it. Yep....all done. Cool. So..... Ummmmmm Did I ever tell you that my Aunty Susan once brought a lounge?
Socialising Stitch Ups - How to Pull Through
There's nothing more that I love to do than socialise.
Yes, beloved, my life on the other side of cyber space actually contains traces of human interaction.
"Preposterous!" I hear you shout.
Chill out. Just because I sit at my desk and type about inappropriate slash irrelevant topics, that does not mean I am socially impeded.
True it is that I love a chat. In fact, if chatting was a profession I'd be at the top of my game. I'd be as Bill Gates is to computers, only I'd be a little more classy (dude, if you drop $100 000 it's not even worth going back to pick it up because you make more money in the time it takes to bend down....be a little adventurous in the fashion stakes.....).
However, with all the joys of expressing myself verbally to others and cracking what I would describe as, witty, inventive and punderful jokes, I have begun to see some bumps in the road. Some cloud around the silver lining. Several hiccups. Call it what you will, there are some issues with socialising that I would like to draw your attention to.
First is what I like to call the "you're telling a bad story so we're moving on".
This occurs when you're with a group of pals, telling what you believe to be an epic story about how you're Aunty Susan brought a lounge, but then it had termites in it, so she took it back, only to find that.......and on you go.
Unfortunately for you, (and your pals I suppose) this story is B-A-D. It isn't funny, it isn't interesting, it probably isn't even true...
So one of the other member of the group will rudely interrupt by saying something like ‘hey look at that clown everyone!' and then another member will latch on and say ‘oh yeah, aren't clowns the best' and then a different member chirps in ‘I hear clowns give you cancer' and the subject has CLEARLY changed from your story to clowns.
I tell some bad stories, so I've been in this socially awkward sitch more than once. The problem is, you're just left dangling there in the half-finished story stratosphere. DO you finish the story? I mean you're half-way there, a job well done is a job finished. Aunty Susan deserves a finished story, but your friends obviously don't.
I mean if you really love the story, talk over the top of your rude friends. However, if in that 30 seconds of clown watching you reflect and realise ‘geez who was telling that rubbish story, these clowns are way better....oh damn that was me' then it's probably best to leave the termites in the lounge, and let the story rest (forever).
When you're on the RECEIVING end of a terrible story, sometimes rudely interrupting and changing the topic is a smart way to subtly tell your frined that their story is a rubbish. Or you can just say "that's the worst story I've ever heard" which might lose you a friend or two, but at least you don't have to listen to bad stories. Another option is to faint or fake an injury. In extreme bad story cases, faking death may be necessary.
Next is the 3 way (mind out of the gutter please) introduction scenario. You know A and B, but A doesn't know B. So you introduce A and B and you all begin chatting and such.
When can you leave the 3 way convo? Are A and B now well acquainted enough for you to bail? Is it rude if you bail? If you bail will A and B awkwardly stand in awkward silence? Are you the glue between A and B or were you simply a bridge, a stepping stone of friendship?
In this circumstance, there is NO general rule. This is simply because the personalities of A and B will always differ. If you know A and B are both into chess say "oh A you pawn!!..." then B will get very excited that A knows what a pawn is and you can bail. If, on the other hand, you know that A and B will hate each other because A leaves the tail on his prawns and B rips it off, then don't bail because you will start World Prawn War II(World Prawn War I was Christmas Day at my house last year).
If you don't like A or B, then leave (and maybe tell them if you're drunk enough). If you like A and not B say "let's go to the toilet A". If A is of the opposite sex then this could be weird, but at least you're getting away from B.
Another socialising awkward moment is when you see someone you really don't want to talk to because:
a) You think they're annoying
b) They were your grade 5 teacher and it's just weird
c) You hooked up with them last weekend
or
d) You haven't seen them for 3 and a half years, you have nothing in common, and their house smells like moth balls
Damn, they've spotted you. They know that you've spotted them. Shivers, you made eye contact. They know that you know (not UNO, the middle pile is yours) that it's going to be awkward and you know that they don't really want to say hey either. But you BOTH know that you will be judged if you don't stop and it's rude to just walk by. So brace yourself for the awkward convo.
"Hey ...um....Fran how are you?"
"I'm good, how are er you?'
"Not bad."
"Oh good"
"yeaahhh good good....Sooo"
"yeeaaaa"
<insert awkward silence>
"Well better let you go then"
"Cool ok well good to see you..."
"You too" (lie)
Just when you think things couldn't possibly sink any lower along the stakes of awkwardness, you both go to walk away in the same direction.
DO you speed up, or should they?
Should you turn around?
Will they turn around?
Maybe you should pretend you need to buy something from this homewares store...
Whatever your escape mechanism, use it fast.
I usually just choose to look them straight in the eye as you both go to walk in the same direction and say "well this is awkward!" to which they usually fake laugh and then the situation is even more uncomfortable. Always a good gag.
Another awkward thing I've noticed about socialising is when it goes silent, as in no one has anything to say. This rarely occurs when I'm around, but if it ever does it's because I'm stopping myself from saying a rubbish story (see above), a bad or inappropriate joke, or I'm too intoxicated and am putting all my energy into staying upright. When this happens, for some reason, I yawn.
It's like I'm saying "I WOULD say something but I have to yawn right now"
Actually this is a good technique because yawns are like swine flu (i.e. contagious) and so then someone else will yawn. This then leads to the conversation "theories as to why yawns are contagious" (which is when I bring up my theory that it's because your subconscious thinks the person yawning is stealing all the oxygen and so you yawn to get some too) and then the conversation will flow a little longer.
If it goes silent after this, best to find a homewares stores. If worst comes to worst, you can always tell the story about Aunty Susan's lounge.
There are millions, possibly billions, of socially awkward scenarios. These handytips are simply a guide for when you encounter such situations (I bear no responsibility for any social humiliation suffered resulting from following this advice).
So there you have it.
That's it.
Yep....all done.
Cool.
So.....
Ummmmmm
Did I ever tell you that my Aunty Susan once brought a lounge?
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by Peta Smith
April 12, 2010